


Animal House

by htebazytook



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Animals, Crack, First Time, Humor, M/M, Matchmaking, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-01
Updated: 2012-01-01
Packaged: 2017-10-28 16:51:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/htebazytook/pseuds/htebazytook
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Noah and Harold ship it.  Thanks and enjoy the crack!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Animal House

**Do you think we can talk to small humans?** Noah asks.

Harold rolls his eyes. **_What_ are you on about?**

**You know, like that show the humans always watch, the Family Guy . . .**

**It's just Family Guy, Noah. You're making it sound peculiar, like when they say 'the Batman'.**

**Well, not _everybeast_ sits around the house all day gorging themselves on pop culture. _Anyway_ , I meant like how on Family Guy the dog can talk to the small human and they can understand one another.**

**I'm sure I don't know what sort of conversation you'd expect to carry on with a human who can't even talk yet . . .**

**Ugh, never mind. I need a drink.** Noah pads moodily into the kitchen, laps from his water dish.

Noah hears Harold's approach. **I'm _sorry_. All right? You really need to get a grip, Noah. Just because the Master isn't home doesn't mean you have to embark on wild fantasies about making friends with a fictional diabolical baby.**

Noah frowns. **Diabolical?**

**It's from. It's. You know what? Forget it.**

Noah freezes, perks his ears up. **Oh my God someone's at the door holy shit!**

 **Hey!** Harold blinks at Noah's skidding escape from the kitchen. Calls after him, **You know, _I_ don't go around screaming at the top of my lungs whenever _I_ hear something . . .**

Harold pointedly takes his time on his way to the door where Zach's crouched to rub Noah's ears and tell him how much he missed him.

Chris bounces into view and Noah has to greet him too. "Hey, Noah!" Chris says, laughs. "Oh my goodness are you excited . . . hey, blargh, I don't wanna make out with you, man."

"Aw, he's just saying hello," Zach says.

"Well, considering he has you for a role model and everything . . ."

Zach nods at Harold's approach. "I thought you two were buddies. Harold looks jealous."

"We are!" Chris drops to the ground and makes a swishy sound that's indescribably awesome so Harold trots up and purrs and rubs against his knee. "Who's my handsome boy? Who's my _haaaand_ some _bo-_ oy? Oh shut up, Zach, you sound just as retarded when you talk to them."

Zach watches Chris scratch behind Harold's ears, has this plastered on smile. "Hey so . . . I've gotta go get ready. There's beer in the fridge. And, like, Naked Juice. So, like. Yeah, just whatever you—"

Chris laughs, focused on the cat. "Go flat iron your hair or whatever, man, I'll chill out."

Zach looks like he's about to say something, nods instead but seems to realize Chris can't see it, goes to say something again but ends up just leaving.

Harold catches Noah's eye. **Humans are fucking weird.**

**Oh my God I'm just . . . I'm just so happy the Master's home . . . oh, God . . .**

**Are you _crying_? Deep breaths, Noah. _Noah_. He's in his room, you know. **

**Oh my God you're right! I'm gonna go help the Master! You keep this human company—he always smells good! Okay bye!** Noah tears off down the hallway.

When Harold looks back to Chris he's surprised by the look on his face—so unguarded even though Harold's right there, looks like he's waiting for a pang of grief to pass. Harold feels bad, paws at Chris's now motionless hand.

Chris sighs and smiles. "Hey, let's get you a treat, handsome boy."

They relocate to the kitchen, and while Harold indulges in tuna juice Chris sits on a barstool and touches his phone, puts it away with another sigh. "So, Harold. How's life? How's your daddy?"

Harold makes a face. **If you are referring to Zach, he is in no way 'my daddy' and in fact I'm a little disturbed by your choice of words.**

"He ever mention me?"

**Are you kidding? The Master is obsessed with you.**

"No?" Chris traces patterns on the countertop. "Not even a little bit?"

 **All the time. He talks about you all the time, and if you haven't figured out how he feels about you yet than you're an even bigger idiot than Noah. Do you seriously not . . . ? Right, I'm going to talk to you.** He meows.

Chris laughs. "Okay, okay, but I don't think daddy has any more tuna."

**What do you take me for, Chris? I'm not being ungrateful. I purred at you when you gave me my treat . . .**

Noah bounds into the room. **I helped! Now the Master's ready.**

**You do realize that means he's leaving again, right?**

**I . . . wait, what?**

Zach reemerges, looking basically the same.

Chris hops off the barstool, fixes his shirt for something to do. "Ready when you are."

They leave. Once Noah's finally gotten over it he finds Harold on his throne in the living room. Normally it would annoy Harold to no end, but he wants to ask, **Say, Noah . . . has the Master said anything to you about Chris?**

**Like what?**

**Like . . . oh, how do I phrase this? Okay. You know the dog down the street you're always talking about? With the fluffy tail or whatever?**

**Oh, yeah. Oh, Harold, she smells _so_ fucking _good_ , like, you don't even know . . .**

**Yes, all right, you've enthused about that on many an occasion. The thing is, I think _Chris_ thinks the Master smells really good too, and I was wondering if the Master has perhaps given you reason to believe he feels the same way? **

**I mean, he talks about Chris all the time. They're always talking on the phone . . . huh, maybe they do wanna learn each other's scents.**

**. . . Something like that.**

*

Noah knows that Harold thinks he's a bit of an idiot, so any opportunity to prove him wrong is a gift. And as if the universe knows, Zach talks to Chris on the phone during their next walk:

"Nothing, just walking Noah. Yes, of course he's wearing his bandanna. He's my little fashionista puppy, aren't you?" Zach reaches down to rub Noah's head.

"Of course we match, Chris! I've gotta justify this hat _somehow_ . . ."

Zach laughs, loops part of Noah's leash around his wrist for no reason. "Yeah, I dunno . . .

"Yeah. I mean, she's cool, I don't really know her that well so I dunno if she's into you just based on like one conversation at a party.

"I'm not being weird I'm just saying I don't know, jeez.

"Yeah, I've gotta go too, Noah's—

"Kay. Mmkay. Yeah. Bye."

Zach flips his phone shut and sighs. "Oh, Noah. Why does he have to be straight?"

Noah frowns. **He's a human like you, Master. All of you stand up straight and only use two of your legs.**

"No, let me rephrase that: why does he have to be so gorgeous and so _friendly_ on top of being straight? It's cruel and unusual."

**Oh my God there's a cat over there! Oh my god! Oh my God, maybe that cat could be friends with Harold—he _really_ needs to learn someone's scent, if you know what I mean. Oh, there it—oh, shit, that was just a plastic bag, wasn't it? Goddammit.**

"Chill out, Noah. There's nothing over there, jeez."

*

Noah waits until Harold's stretching after his pre-mid-afternoon nap to approach the throne. **Hey, man. Where'd you go?**

Harold incorporates a frown into his final stretch. **I'm sorry?**

**You went to sleep, right? Where did you go?**

**What, like, where did I go in my dreams?**

**Yeah. I went to visit the dog up the street the last time I went to sleep. And she smelled _pre-tty_ good, let me tell you . . .**

Harold sits up. **Oh, God. You think that sleep is a place. That you go to. Do you . . . and goodness knows I hesitate to ask this, do you think that the dog up the street might, say, _remember_ what transpired in your dream?**

**Jeez, Harold, I couldn't forget it if I tried, man . . .**

**Oh good Lord.** Harold cleans his paw. **You came over here just to tell me this?**

**No no no. I was going Outside with the Master and he said something weird about Chris, and I just thought I'd tell you in case it meant something.**

**Why, what'd he say?**

**Well, he called him 'cruel and unusual', which I figured was some kind of human colloquialism or something.**

Harold pauses between licks. **Interesting.**

*

**You're being willfully blind, Master. And frankly it's starting to embarrass me.**

"Oh, you're excited for your dinner, huh, Harold? Want a treat with the dry food tonight? Do you?"

**Honestly, Master, that's not what . . . I mean, I wouldn't be _adverse_ to . . . ooh, that smells really good. If you could just hurry up and give me my treat that would be lovely. No, seriously, I really would prefer it if you could give me my treat immediately.**

"There you go, Harold." Zach puts Harold's dish on the floor, scratches behind his ear. "You're such a good little kitty."

**Well, _I_ know that, of course. And this is truly sumptuous tuna juice, Master, but back to the matter at hand: it's clear how you feel about the other human, Chris, and I have reason to believe he reciprocates these feelings, so—**

"Oh you are such a pretty little kitty." Zach's petting him now. "Such a soft fluffy kitty cat yes you are!"

**Yes, thank you, I'm flattered, but really we've got to remedy this situation with you and Chris before—**

"Oh such a pretty boy!"

**You know, you're as bad as Noah sometimes.**

*

Harold wakes up to Noah breathing on his face.

**Ugh! Do you _mind_?**

**Oh, good, I'm glad you're up, Harold,** Noah says. **The Master's home, and he brought the other human, and I just thought you'd probably wanna say hello and I didn't want you to miss out or anything so . . .**

**Wait, Chris is here?**

**Yeah, they're—hey!**

Harold follows their distant voices, sneaks into the kitchen silently and doesn't even pause for a stretch. Zach and Chris are standing there, Zach gesturing and Chris trying to lean nonchalantly against the island bar.

Noah catches up. **Hey, aren't you gonna say hello?**

**Shh.**

"I dunno, like . . . my whole world here is about animal stuff. Not just Noah and Harold."

"It's a dog eat dog world?"

"Yes, if you must phrase it like that. What I'm trying to say is . . . I dunno, it's nice to have you around 'cause you're not like that. You know?"

Chris nods encouragingly, laughs. "Okay?"

"Like, these guys," Zach says, gestures at Noah and Harold watching from the doorway. "Noah looks up to me, Harold looks down on me. You treat me like an equal."

"Yeah, because slavery isn't en vogue anymore? You're being weird."

"I know. And it's about to get weirder because I had this whole metaphorical spiel that I'm now realizing is insane so I'm just gonna skip that and cut to the chase."

"Kay."

Zach nods to himself, sighs a short sigh. "Fuck this." He walks right up to Chris and starts kissing.

Chris's eyes widen before he catches up to reality, scrunches them shut and fists his hands in Zach's shirt to kiss him back.

 **Oh my God!** Noah barks.

**Shh!**

One of them gives a muffled laugh at that, but it turns into a low pleased sound as they stumble closer together with Chris's fingers combing obsessively through Zach's too-long hair.

Zach's breathing heavily through his nose and pressing up against Chris as much as possible, hands exploring in the process—Chris's face and ears and exposed collarbone, down his ribs and where his shirt's riding up and further. Chris _mm_ 's loudly into Zach's mouth and angles his hips into it, _mm_ 's again when Zach presses him close with hands in Chris's back pockets.

Something about it jolts their lips apart, then softly back together, then Zach deviating to kiss Chris's neck expressively.

"Zach . . ."

"Chris . . ."

"The kids are watching, Zach."

Zach laughs. "So there aren't any voyeuristic shenanigans in our future?"

Chris grins like a promise, kisses him quick like he can't help it and it progresses, Zach holding him there and thumbing Chris's reddened mouth when they part again. Chris's tongue flicks out and Zach gasps and Chris laughs at him, says "Come on, dumbass," and they race down the hallway.

 **Oh no!** Noah barks, pursuing.

 **Noah! Noah, get back here!** Harold gives chase, finds Noah pacing frantically by the door to Zach's room.

Through apparently paper thin walls:

"Yes . . . oh _shit_ that feels good . . ."

"You like that?"

"Fuck, I— _mmf_!"

Noah sniffs at the door. **What's going on? Why did they go away? Maybe I should bark again.**

**_No_ , Noah. Come on, let's go to the kitchen.**

**But . . .**

**No, seriously, just come on.** Harold starts walking back up the hallway. Noah follows after a minute.

**I still don't get it.**

**All right. I'm going to try to explain this to you _again_ , Noah. Now, you know the dog up the street you're always going on about?**

**Oh, yeah. She smells _good_. Why, just the other day she smelled _really_ good . . .**

Harold sighs.

*


End file.
